About Pacing

I feel averse to using the term wellness in my work…  There are so many things often signified by this word that I want nothing do with… like dieting or the extreme (anything).  Things like drinking tons of water, jumping on the latest bandwagon or following the latest guru whether it’s doing yoga 3x/day, or any other version of “zen” or “well” on offer.  Most of these bandwagons vilify some substance or activity and glorify another.  For me, it just doesn’t work.

I am not zen, even when I define myself as well.  Even when I attempt zen things, like yoga and mindfulness and deep breathing, (and like them, do them regularly, and find value in them) I am not zen (or even close to it.) Maybe I need to practice more?  Or maybe, I need to understand that my way of being is more attached to doing and thinking and feeling…  verbs.  Those are more me.

So rather than focusing on limiting my thoughts or my activities, subscribing to one bandwagon or guru, or depriving myself of things— I focus on pacing.

I know I am well when I can pace my thoughts, allow them to be at a comfortable canter, not a sprint.  I am well when I can move my body comfortably- not so vigorously as to strain anything nor as slowly as when I’m seized with pain and inflammation.  When I am flexible enough to question my beliefs and my initial assumptions.  When I can lean into hard stuff.  I am well when I can explicitly express myself even when what I am expressing is difficult to say or write.

I am well when I can double-over in laughter.  When I’m not so caught up in the seriousness of life, that I can find humour, surprise, and connection.  When my body is not so fragile that to laugh would feel like daggers.

I am well when I am building, making, creating, writing, exploring, walking.  I have had many times where my body is not well enough to do any of the things.  I am forced to watch life from the sidelines.  When I am able, then I want to do.  I am unwell when I am unable to do- when I am in too much pain, or at certain times- anguish- to participate.  I am grateful for the days when I crawl into bed tired.  Muscles fatigued from use.  A satisfied smile on my face.  Being exhausted is preferable to being disabled by illness, of any kind, for me.  And that is a very ableist thing to say.  It is a privilege to have times of mobility and strength.

I am well when I can disagree with folks who hold different opinions than my own.  It means I’m feeling confident enough in my beliefs to share them, and open enough to hear another take on things.

I want to build a community to promote seeking wellness. Just not any of the other trappings that tend to go along with that term.  The ones that should all over the place.  The ones that are narrow and exclusive. The ones that make it appear natural and easy.  That glorify the results without talking about the effort of making changes of mind or activity.  It’s fine if folks want to do the traditionally “zen-like” “wellness” things… Like drink green tea.  I can buy you a green tea.  Just don’t bring me a green tea instead of my Americano, thank you very much!  It’s totally cool with me if your path to wellness is foreign to me.  Or if you find these things easier to incorporate into your life than I have found them.  As long as we can chat about it and you don’t judge me for what works for me, or more importantly what doesn't work for me.  I won’t judge you or your process either.

I have found my wellness through some interesting things: West Coast Swing Dancing, planning the precise order of rides and shows at Disney, swagging in the Outback, writing 4 extra characters for a murder mystery game and then retyping and formatting all the player manuals so they were identical… and some not so random things like daily mindfulness, walking in nature, talking with friends, and nondieting.

I want to bring people together who care about wellness but approach it in vastly different, and maybe even, contradictory ways.  I want to find what we have in common.  I want to build bridges so that people feel supported on their path across providers.

I want to shed light on the forgotten paths to healing.  Connection.  Activity that doesn’t make you sweat, but feels invigorating for the body and mind.  Flexible thinking.  Acceptance.  And so many others.

So despite feeling a bit uncomfortable about using the term “wellness,” I’ve thoroughly consulted the thesaurus, and feel like I’m stuck with it.  For me, wellness is most easily defined as pacing.  What does it look like for you?

Stacey

About Nondieting

Nondieting, in it’s most basic form means eating based on hunger and fullness cues with respect for the body.  It relies on instincts that arrive with us when we’re born, and in our culture, get tuned out by “body nonsense.”  Nondieting is the active refusal to participate in body nonsense.

Body nonsense is how I prefer to talk about complicated ideas of health, sex/gender, and attractiveness that come together to judge folks based on appearances and work to deprioritize wellness and connection.  Body nonsense tends to assume that thin equals beauty, virility, diligence, and fitness and these assumptions get in the way of taking good care of ourselves and each other.  Nondieting, in it’s deeper form, works to disrupt body nonsense.  It does not prioritize thinness and makes no assumptions based on appearances.

I am not saying that anyone, or everyone has to participate in nondieting.  However, it is an alternative that is available for folks who want to do something differently.  It is something totally different from the variety of efforts at body shrinkage and something different from the “fuck it” mentality.  It is something you can begin to embrace, simply with willingness to question our culture's thin bias and to care for your body's needs, irrelevant of it's looks.

The nondieting movement has been popularized by some concepts known as Intuitive Eating, Mindful Eating, and Health At Every Size.  The premise of these ideas rest on giving up weight loss goals and prescriptive eating plans, in favour of eating what one likes and trusting the body, in both it’s signals and forms.  These approaches are great and I recommend looking into them to see if one approach, or a combination, can support you in nondieting.  The entirety of the nondieting concept can be intimidating in our current culture and any help to break through the body nonsense is worthy of your time and attention.

However, nondieting is simplistic in explanation, and instinctual, though life-changing and challenging for many.  A guide can be helpful.  It doesn’t have to be a holy journey, though it might be.  It doesn’t have to be complicated.  You don’t need to have a university degree in feminism.  You don’t have to be recovering from an eating disorder. You don’t have to be thin, fat, healthy or ill. You don’t have to be a women. You don’t have to be able-bodied.  You don’t have to be young, or old, or wise.  You don’t have to drink green tea.  Keep the coffee- make it a Red Eye if you want.  Put some sugar in it if that's how you like it. Nondieting is not an exclusive club of the elite and/or zen.

Nondieting is a journey you can begin in this very moment, without a whole lot of research or effort.  Helpful, is the critical understanding that the weightloss, diet, and mainstream fitness industry has made a lot of money off of your personal suffering and insecurity about body shape and health, however that plays out for you- the industry banks on you having some kind of guilt and shame.  You can refuse to give the lot of them another penny. 

The nonsense can stop right now, with one principle: Eat when you are hungry and stop when you are full.  Really that is all you need to know to follow the nondieting approach.  You don’t have to read another word of this or anything else to do it.

Some people don’t know what these signals, hunger & fullness, look like.  Others have simply ignored them for a long time and have an elaborate system of self-distraction.  Either way, stop ignoring/distracting, and start listening.  It probably won’t be a light switch moment.  It hasn’t been for me or anyone else I’ve worked with regarding nondieting. People who find this more challenging or uncomfortable, don’t necessarily have an eating disorder, trauma history, or anything very interesting to a therapist.  They have simply paid attention in our culture.

A very few number of people will have completely distorted cues- many of them will currently or previously have suffered eating disorders- that they can not trust their own cues to begin, and they will start with something called regularized or mechanical eating.  Folks with eating disorder history will benefit from working directly with a Registered Dietician and care team to establish their recovery eating.  This writing is not for them specifically.  Though, they are welcome at the nondieting table.  I plan to write something specific, based on this work.  Or they can consult the previously mentioned books, or a skilled clinician.

So, most folks who want to start this journey- you can.  You eat when you are hungry, you stop when you are full.  You can add on further principles: Understand what food and activities you enjoy.  Eat the food you enjoy.  Don’t eat the food you don’t enjoy.  Do the activities that bring you joy.  Care for your body in other ways.

Some people know what they enjoy and others will have to learn about themselves in this way to embrace the second principle.  Understanding enjoyment can take time- this is not something we actually give much attention to in our culture.  This could be a new way of thinking about things.  It means actually caring about your own preferences, and respecting other people’s preferences, without having to be the same.  It means acknowledging pleasure and satisfaction as normal parts of lived experiences.  It also means saying, “no- I don’t like that,” to certain things.  Maybe you always ate cauliflower because it’s a “super food” but it actually gives you really bad gas and cramps…. maybe it’s fennel or kale and you just don’t like the taste or texture?  Maybe its spin class or pilates or pottery?  Things that everyone “adores” and you just can’t stand?  This sense of discomfort is not the same as needing to ease into things and give it a real try.  Or other barriers, like life is so busy that adding a class is just too stressful.  Those are totally different obstacles, again that I hope to address in another piece.  Stay with me for the quick and dirty definition for now (well maybe not so quick?)

Nondieting is a journey of letting go of what the world tells you your body should look like or what it should do.  It’s letting go of shoulding all over yourself while you eat.  Don’t should where you eat, I’m pretty sure my Grandma always said… Or maybe it was something a little different?  Whatever, I think that’s about the only rule you “should” have.

It’s also about letting go of the limits you set for your body based on aesthetics.  Things like avoiding strength training because of fears that you’ll look bulky.  Or giving up on your lunch time walk because there’s no “benefit” even though you think clearer and sleep better, but you don’t see it’s value because you still don’t fit in those jeans that are too small for you.

Nondieting is a bit rebellious.  It can be incredibly liberating, but also scary, and you will come against opposition in some of the most unlikely places.  Starting is easy, continuing takes fortitude.  However, that is the one good thing dieting culture has probably instilled in you- the willingness to try again!  So embrace that quality, and leave the rest.

This is not a quick fix.  It's not a specific # of days to a new you.  Nope, its exactly who you have always been.  It takes you home to yourself.  Maybe dieting has always been a journey to leave yourself behind?  If that’s the case, you may find some complications and many moments of starting over again.  Maybe that is where you need to find support?  That’s okay.  Starting over doesn’t cost you any money- no new gym memberships or protein powders to buy when they all expire in the cupboard.  Nope.  Not a cent above the cost you have to pay to feed yourself anyhow.

Needing extra help- psychological, physiological, or logistical- does not exclude you from choosing the nondieting path.  However, folks with different starting places benefit from accounting for their needs as they encounter them and seeking support, not minimizing their needs and figuring that because it’s "intuitive" it doesn’t require help.  Nondieting makes space for all bodies and gives space to all bodies.

To continue to learn about my thoughts on this and other things I find interesting, sign up for my newsletter!  And check back next week for a bit more about this and how nondieting can be supported for folks with more complicated starting points.

-Stacey

About Baggage

So, my Dad and I booked a trip the other day.  We didn’t pay to bring checked bags.  We’re going on a 10+ day trip and have access to laundry.  We’ll figure it out.  I don’t often check my bags when travelling.  I do my best to travel efficiently and recognize that bringing too much can be more difficult than not bringing enough.  It’s not always possible, but I aspire to be able to curate my belongings into what I need.  And trust that I am resourceful enough to find what I need, when I need it, and that there are good people in the world who help.

It’s not easy to trust like this and I wasn’t always this efficient.  I learned a lot when I spent a semester in Australia during my undergrad.  I flew to Sydney when I was 20, alone, and with two giant suitcases and two carry ons.

I figured that because I was going for just under 6 months I needed to bring the entirety of my possessions with me, which at 20, wasn’t a heck of a lot but was way more than I could carry.  I was so, so wrong.  I managed the airport okay thanks to those suitcase cart thingies.  It was getting off the train in the CBD and looking at 3 flights of stairs (up) and an out-of-order elevator, that had me go, well shit-so much for that plan.  And I was literally standing there, for I don’t know how long, with the weight of my whole world, looking at the stairs.

A young man, older than me but not by much, wearing a suit, came up beside me, stood there and looked at the bags and the stairs and me.

“How you going? He asked.

“I have no clue.” I replied, totally overwhelmed and not realizing that this is the standard Australian greeting, and not an inquiry into how I was going to overcome this particular predicament.

“You need a hand.” It wasn’t so much an offer of help as a simple statement that was undeniably true.  Here I was on my first big independent venture, and I totally botched the independence piece.

He picked up my two big suitcases, 1 in each hand, and just carried them up the stairs, with me managing the small ones.

“Where to now?”

“I’m staying across the street. Thank you so much, I have no idea…” and he just started walking my bags across the street when the crossing light changed, to the hostel where I was staying for a night.

“Thank you so so so much.”

“Righto- you might want to downsize a bit.”

And off he went.

This man, very kind as he was in that moment, probably didn’t realize that he taught me quite so much in those two short minutes as he definitely did.

Matter-of-fact, willing to help, no expectations… and incredible wisdom.  I ended up mailing a suitcase home from Australia by freight because I didn’t want to be so overburdened with stuff.  I also ended up storing one in a locker, at that very same hostel as I went out to tour New Zealand for 3 weeks before returning home.  At this point in my life, I’m not sure I would’ve spent the little money I did have freighting and storing stuff around the world… but at that point, it seemed the most reasonable thing to do.  While traveing New Zealand with my carry-ons I did get very frustrated wearing the exact same clothes for days… however, I could carry my own damn bags.

This way of being applies to the choices we make in life, as much as to our travel wardrobe and style.  Some trips, like a romantic cruise with your partner, may include extra bags of sparkly shoes and swaying dresses.  Other travels may only include: jeans, black shorts, beige capris, 3 black t-shirts, a maxi dress, bathing suit, and sweater. 6 undies and 3 bras.  Face wipes, antiperspirant, tooth brush and paste, a hair elastic and brush.  Meds and protein bars.  Both trips can be equally adventurous, engaging, and enlightening.  But you don’t pack the same stuff.

What are you carrying right now that is confusing you? Weighing you down?  Just unnecessary for the journey you’re on right now?

I’ve found, sometimes, it’s not what you think it is…

People are quick to blame the people closest to them- partners, parents, children, best friends- for needing too much from them and not giving them what they need.  Or work that is unsatisfying and demanding.  Relationships can need negotiating and your work may not be the best fit at this moment in time.  But oftentimes they are not the life-draining vampires a lot of us can make them out to be.  (There are exceptions.)

The excess baggage- the shit that we need to let go from our every day life… well that’s unprocessed emotions and experiences, expectations for ourselves, our people, and our lives that are not true to our values, and beliefs about our worth and capabilities.

My overpacking for Australia was not due to lack of research, planning, or care.  Oh no… I had read the books and talked to the people, and made all the lists, and carefully considered every fucking item I had packed, that turned out to be completely useless.  I had reorganized each suitcase three times.

Nope, the overpacking was all due to an unrecognized fear.  I wanted to avoid discomfort.  I wanted to protect against scarcity.  I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to find what I needed, that I wouldn’t be able to look after myself, and that I wouldn’t have anyone to help me.  I thought by bringing all the stuff with me, I would be okay.

As a 20-year-old, living with chronic illness, and setting off to live on the other side of the world, it’s understandable I had fear, then tried to overcome it, and overcompensated for it.  There’s an obvious lack of experience navigating the world.  Of trusting people- and trusting myself- that was developmentally appropriate.  My parents tried to help me “condense” the stuff and advised me against bringing that much.  They didn’t think I would need it all and that it would be difficult to manage.  They didn’t push the issue.  The only limit was they were unwilling to pay for excess baggage.  Fair and reasonable. And I was 20 and didn’t listen to a word, because what would they know?

I have never beat myself up for that moment.  Pretty much immediately I laughed at the whole situation.  And realized I was going to have to scale back my stuff to meet my ultimate goal of travelling independently.  I had been incredibly lucky to come across this good Samaritan, no doubt.  And my parents were right- all the stuff was cumbersome and unnecessary, actually making it harder for me to be independent, which was very unfortunate for my pride.  And also very fortunate- because ultimately they believed I could do this without so much “stuff.”  I also learned through the course of all of this, that none of us are ever going to be totally independent- that’s human.  Learning who and how to trust is key.  But I do need to be able to- metaphorically at least- carry my own damn bags.

Since I continue to navigate through an adventurous life, I continue to learn in new ways, that packing light is key to living a full life.  Full seems a much more apt description of complex and engaging lives.  Nothing is lacking, however, sometimes we have to ditch certain things to make space for other things that are more important to us.  Priorities are key.  And also getting stronger.  Part of it, is deciding what is worth working to carry and what is more beneficial to let go.

Yoga and mindfulness allow me some discernment and space.  They allow me to see the little stuff cluttering up my mental landscape, and let go of things that at other times, caused me to buy another suitcase.  Hanging on to experiences in an unhelpful way has been something I have had to learn how to let go.  Mindfulness has helped me to identify these things.  Certain things in life, I just can’t laugh off and move on.  That’s okay- a willingness to deal with these things is as important as being able to let go and pack light.  Certain things I need to process in depth before sticking in longterm storage.  Other things, I need to strengthen my own core to carry more, because they are important and I want them with me.  Many ways of handling the baggage are fine- but figuring out which for what and how- well that’s where good friends, writing, and therapy have been helpful to me.

There’s no one way to pack.  There’s no one way to live.  But for me, I like to be able to carry my own baggage, as much as possible.

- Stacey

About gurus

I don't have a guru and I am not a guru

So I’ve been reading lots and lots of things (blogs, books, articles), in particular regarding wellness and goal-setting and making new behaviours…  I love that people are talking about this stuff and trying to share and teach.  However, I am also very uncomfortable that so many people who are talking about this stuff are kinda preachy. Like they have never made a “bad” decision, or even wanted to sometimes…

If you’re looking for someone who is like the therapists or counsellors that they show on tv… , you may be highly disappointed if you meet with me.  Or one of the people that has a self-help book and all the answers to life.  That’s not me, either.  I don’t even really want to try to be like that, or pretend to be like that.   

I feel like at the moment I’m making the whole working mom/wife with chronic illness, choosing everyday habits to build wellness thing, work for me.  However, I don’t have all of the answers all of the time, even for my own life. I wish. (sometimes-but that could be really boring and predictable.) I do have lots of questions all of the time. I like helping others ask themselves and their loved ones important questions so that I can understand what their life is like and together find strategies that are helpful to build habits or communication in ways that work for them and their goals. However, I am not a guru.  I don’t have a guru.  I don’t want a guru.  You can have a guru- as long as it is not me!

 So I’m good at asking questions.

That's it.  That’s what I do.  That’s my job.  I am naturally curious. I like stories. I am good at breaking things down into steps and organizing them.  All of these things could help you to look at whatever is happening for you, a bit differently, and find a new angle or a tweak.  Maybe.  But you’re doing the looking and finding and trying.  I’m just there asking questions and listening.  It could even get annoying. And that's okay.

So if you are looking for someone to talk through things, ask some questions, review some strategies then I could be a good counsellor for you. If you are looking for someone with the answers and who will tell you what to do next, I’m probably not the right one for you. The only people I tell to do stuff are my kids, my husband, and my dad's dog. That's how I'm keeping it. (Btw, the one that "listens" the best is my dad's dog and he still pees on the floor regularly.)  I don't spend time with very obedient folks, and that is cool with me.

- Stacey